In A Bad Situation
My question is kinda hard. I'm 33yrs old. Since 12 I used to hear this voice. It started out as something small, but, as time went on, it grew louder and more understandable. I was bought up learning the golden rule to treat others as you would want to be treated. Well, my problem comes from when I go to work the voice in my head starts talking. It tells me to just slaughter everything living in the building. Shear blood and carnage is what I crave. Horror flicks, gun fight movies and so forth. I have always been an artist and when I was about 14 I named my voice. I couldn't turn to anyone for help because I was told by my father that nothing was wrong with me. I love to help people and people enjoy my company. But when I am around them the voice tells me things to the point where I throw up. Now after so many years I can't help it. Now it shows me images of my friends and other people that I see twisted, broken, bloody and torn apart. The images in my mind seem so real that I can't sleep. I don't have any friends and moved away from my family in fear that I might do something horrible. I've tried killing myself three times but with no success. Obviously, I know that hurting myself isn't the answer but I don't know what I can do. I can't afford a doctor because, basically, I'm poor. I can't focus and my own son is with his abusive mother. I can't even afford a lawyer to save him. I thought about selling drugs but even the drug dealers won't mess with me because I'm too smart to be doing that. I should be in school or something. I swear I couldn't make this up if I tried. The voices are now all the time. TV and music don't help, and neither does meditation, yoga, hot showers, or cold baths. Nothing works. I want to be a part of society again and be who I really am. Sometimes I even talk with the other voice. Tell me straight, doc, and jokes aside, am I going insane or am I just a loser in life? I can't help it but I just can't take my own life. What am I living for? The only thing that I can remember is my mother telling me that I was destined to be great. The next time I heard it was in a church in Savannah Ga. The last time was my girlfriend telling me that was about two days before my child support hearing. I just don't know where to turn. Please help Doctor Schwartz.
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