I am 23 years old. For the past seven years, due to several problems in my life, I had serious thoughts of suicide and I self harm myself. The intensity of self-harm and suicide thoughts has increased considerably with time. I know that, for the time being, even though i hav suicidal thoughts of slashing my wrists, I dont have the courage to make a fatal cut. But, I am afraid that I might overcome this and wil eventually get the courage to do so. Once I tried an overdose of medicines, but since the medicines weren't strong enough, I just ended up feeling dizzy.
I cannot control my emotions sometimes and lose control over my temper to some extent. I always think it would be really nice if I died somehow. I even pray to God to kill me. Sometimes, when I am facing some problem, I just want to be unconscious or to have a dead brain so that I will not hav to feel this pain. But otherwise, when I am with my parents or friends, I am happy but, at the same time, I am lonely too.
It's not that I always sit alone and think up suicide thoughts. It's not like that. I am very happy at times but I cannot even face small problems nowadays. The first thing that comes to my mind is why am I alive? I should be dead. I very much want to talk about my problems to a doctor but I come frm a conservative Indian family and I won't be able to see a doctor myself. My parents wil have to take me. But I can't even think about letting my parents know about these problems of mine. That's why I am writing this to you.
Do I suffer from depression or any other type of mental illness? Is it necessary that I seek medical help? Am I just exaggerating things?
I was on the verge of getting sexually abused wen I was a child. However, nothing happened. Even though I didn't realize it at that time, later on, when I grew up, I felt bad about it.
Is this a possible reason for my problems? I had problems with my studies and now I am recovering from a break up with my lover. I am not able to handle any problems without thinking of suicide. As for self-harm, I make small cuts on my skin and bang my head on walls or bang my head myself strongly with my hands. I feel extremely guilty for this problem of mine and want to stop this but i am helpless. I don't have control over this.
Please give me an answer as soon as possible.
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