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How to Prevent Any Relapse Into Pornography?
I am a 29 year old male involved in a happy relationship (both sexually and emotionally). As a teenager I used to watch a lot of porn mostly due to my curiosity and my desire to masturbate. As time passed however, I became disgusted by the depiction of sex in pornography and began to realize that there is an ugliness to it, which made me want to reject it. I began searching for images of nude women which I found artistic and erotic, but as I did, I inevitably ended up in areas of the internet filled with hard-core pornographic material, which I tried to avoid without much success. After realizing that any attempt to search for erotic material on the internet eventually leads to hard-core pornography, I decided I needed to stop completely. No erotic photography, nothing. So I installed an internet filter, generated a complex password on the internet and deleted it afterwards, along with the email account used to recover it if I ever wanted to.
However, after a while I found myself taking pleasure in finding loopholes in the filtering, and I developed a bad habit out of searching for adult material which the filter could would not block. This began affecting my life negatively to the point where I am now. I occasionally (approximately once per month), despite my efforts not to, begin by searching the internet for images of nude women which, eventually, leads to watching/downloading some form of hard-core porn (“just for the sound, I won’t watch it” is what I tell myself initially).
As if this were not enough, in the last two years, I have been getting a physical reaction to even THINKING about searching for adult material online. More precisely, I get a stomach ache, my stomach acidity skyrockets and I start feeling sick. My entire body tenses up, my heart starts aching and I haven't even done anything. Just the thought of searching for adult material online has crossed my mind. The effect on my body is worse if I actually go through with my idea and go online.
I basically suffer a kind of panic attack with lasting effects, as I have been having constant digestion problems ever since. What can I do to completely eliminate this tendency to fulfill my need for visual stimulation online?
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