I feel like I've struggled with depression for at least 3 years but I've never talked to anybody about it because I'm scared. I have this problem where I always have to seem perfect, and so, I spend a lot of time trying to convince myself and everybody else that I'm fine when I'm really not. I can't handle somebody thinking there's something wrong with me. I guess I should give you a bit of background.
My parents got divorced when I was 14, I'm 21 now. My dad was emotionally abusive and a drug addict. I think that has affected me a lot. Ever since this summer, I think it's been getting worse. I started cutting myself in August and I've been doing it more than usual recently.
I dropped out of college a few weeks ago because the pressure of everything is too much for me. I feel like I can't handle doing anything that a normal person should be able to do. I don't really have any kind of a social life because it's always been very hard for me to make friends. I'm shy and I have awful self-esteem. At this point I've convinced myself that nobody should ever want anything to do with me because I'm a terrible person. Sometimes I feel so lonely that it actually starts to make me feel physically sick.
As I mentioned before, my self-esteem is very low and a common thing for me to do is to think about every little thing I hate about myself. Right now I can't think about anything I actually like about myself. I feel like the world would be a better place without me because I'm a burden and I feel like I don't deserve to live because I'm just a waste. I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything and that i might as well end it all now. I'm scared of dying though so I don't think I could actually kill myself. i just wish all the time that I would die or that I'd never been born.
I want to help myself to feel better because I want so badly to be happy but I don't know where to start. I'm so scared to tell somebody about everything. I'm especially scared about telling my mom because she found out about me cutting once already when I first started doing it and I don't want to upset her.
This is really long I'm sorry but I just wanted some kind of a professional opinion on this.
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